One year ago...

One year ago today I was a nervous wreck. I knew that my cancer had spread to at least one lymph node. I knew they were going to cut open my pit. I knew I would have a jp drain (completely disgusting by the by). I knew I was staring down the barrel of a year long cancer treatment that my doctor described as "horrible, just horrible." I had researched and researched and researched until my eyeballs burned and then I researched some more. I was a complete mess.

But, here I am. I made it thru all those things that seemed so scary and impossible to fathom. I found amazing new friends, my kids are not irreversibly damaged, my marriage (though put thru the wringer) is still intact and stronger than ever and I feel great for the first time in a year.

Now I'm here facing scan week. If my scans are clear, it's gonna be a party. One whole year NED (no evidence of disease)! If not, well, I try so hard not to let my mind go there, but I know, just like my other molemates know, exactly what that means. More treatment, more surgery, more sucksville, and horror of horrors, maybe just no more...

Please pray for a clear scan week. I have two other dear friends having scans this week too, so we're praying for a hat trick:)

Coming out of the chemo coma

Ok, so this blog hasn't really gone as well as I'd hoped. I have really wanted to blog, but was having some issues with SEVERE dry eye on the treatment. I'm going to try and play catch up.

I went to see Dr. G on October 3rd for my monthly visit and blood work. He surprised me by telling me that I could not continue treatment anymore due to high liver enzymes. A normal person's runs around 30-70. All during treatment (even high dose) mine was around 80-90--elevated but not alarming. A few months ago it start going up--around 140. The last visit it had jumped to over 600. What does it all mean you might ask. It could be several things. My doctor thinks it is probably the treatment (which is why he stopped it). However...it could be that the cancer has spread to my liver or a number of other things. I go in for a PET scan and more blood work on Nov. 3. I will get the results the next morning (love my doc and fast results).

I've been off of the treatment for 3 weeks. The other two times I had to take a break, I got serious headaches and this time was no different. I had the stomach flu twice during that time. But now, I feel REALLY good!!!! I didn't realize how bad I felt until I felt better. It turns out that I don't actually hate my family:) No headaches, no dry eyes, no body aches, no freezy chills, and I'm getting my taste buds back too!! The first day that food actually tasted good I waaaay over did it and my stomach and esophagus were not happy campers, but it was totally worth that sleeve of oreos:) I still have a bit of brain fog, which is really frustrating for poor Eddie. He really hates the phrase, "what's that word?" :)

Now that the Intron blinders are off, I'm seeing what a disaster my house is, so I've been playing some major catch up. Thank you sweet sister Katie for forcing me to face my laundry dilemma. I was in total denial. Sigh...

Emotionally, I'm just trying to enjoy feeling better and not think about my upcoming scans and labs.

That's all for now. Wear your sunscreen and stay out of those nasty tanning beds:)

Beating the Heat BK Style

What do you do when your sweet hubs has had the kids ALL weekend and it's too hot to be outside? You go to the Burger King play area.

I love my sweet, sweet husband so much, but his idea of watching the kids this morning was to feed them chips and honeybuns for breakfast and turning on hours upon hours of SpongeBob. Don't get me wrong, I am not be ungrateful. And he does LOTS of wonderful things with our kids. He makes record breaking paper airplanes, shows them cool games, takes them all over town. For instance, one Saturday, he took them to every Walgreens in the Edmond/OKC area to get free GoGo figurines. He truly is the most fun, AMAZING dad ever!! With that said:

Today, he was tired, but my treatment tired trumped that as per usual. So, who can blame a guy for taking the easy way out every once in a while? Not me. When I finally got up from my second nap, the kids had gone CRAZY! I sent Eddie into our room for a rest, loaded up the kids and had NO idea where we would end up.

There was fighting, screaming, poking, mocking, and general unruliness in abundance. That's when I remembered the BK indoor playplace. Oh, thank you Lord for allowing me to think of this place. We spent a glorious hour and a half there. My children played so nicely while I sat with my eyes half closed sipping a coke and nibbling fries.

Harry fell asleep in the car and has been out ever since. The girls followed quickly behind him. Eddie is pulling a much needed sleep through (you know, when you lay down for a nap, but end up sleeping through until morning).

So thank you BK for being there for me in my time of need. I will be back to finish my, I mean the kid's collection of paper jams toys!

Doctor Appointment and Wind Damage

I went to see my oncologist on Tues. He did the ol in and out. Things look good yadda yadda. Then, as I was checking out, he came up to me to tell me that my blood work came in and my liver counts were too high. He said to continue treatment, but I have to go back on Tues to have more blood work. He suspects that my body is just reacting to having a week off. I did have a rather terrible night on Mon. It was like high dose side effects, so maybe that was it. Oh yeah, and I got a quit date! Nov 18th will be my last injection!!! I'm counting it down!!

Last night we got a really bad thunderstorm. I woke up at around 12:30 to a thunder, lightening and a really loud crashing sound. We jumped out of bed and ran into the living room. The power was out, but when the lightening flashed, we could see that a tree had hit our house! Eddie had me gather all the kids into the hallway and he called his folks to see if there was a tornado. The news said it was a severe t-storm with high winds. If that was only high winds, I don't ever ever want to be hit with an actual tornado. It was so loud and crazy. I was so proud of my kids. They just sat in the hallway and played Leapster until the storm passed then toddled off to bed and went right back to sleep.

This morning we got up to check out the damage. We lost 4 big trees and our fence is trashed. Luckily, there was no damage to the house or cars though. Trees were down all over the neighborhood. I know it sounds weird, but I am really heartsick over those trees. They provided so much shade in our backyard.

Anyway, I know this post would be 200x better with pictures, but I am a complete computer illiterate, so maybe I'll talk E into helping me later.

It's my (pity) party and I'll cry if I want to.

This post will probably be really rambly and confusing, but I just had some thoughts and needed to get them out.

Lately, I have been feeling really disconnected. I'm not doing this whole cancer thing very well right now. I'm not the smiley, brave, "gonna kick some cancer a**" gal right now. It's too hard. I'm lonely, tired, and self loathing. I don't want to function. I want to curl up in a hole and give up. I'm tired of smiling and saying that I'm doing well. I'm tired of being a sub par wife and mother. I hate that my children want their Grandma, Aunt, Daddy, Mimi more than me. On a good day, I have a little bit to give and on a bad day it's all I can do to get up.

I'm aware that this darkness I feel is another on a long list of side effects. I know it will pass and one day I will be myself again. It doesn't really matter though because the feelings are there and they are real.

I look in the mirror and I'm shocked at myself. Scraggledy thinning hair, dark circles, bloodshot eyes, bruises, knobby knees, scars and now a stupid uno brow of zits.

I spend an extraordinary amount of time trying to figure out what I can eat that will not send my stomach into fits and even more time being wrong. Have you ever tried to parent from the toilet?! Not effective.

Truly the only thing holding me together right now are my Tues/Thurs days where my kids are gone and my AMAZING sister comes over with food and laughs every time I yell from the bathroom "It sounds like pee, but it's poop." She lets me talk incessantly about cancer. She babies me and knows that I will most likely nod off at any moment.

I'll let you know when I'm over this "mood", but for now I'm just going to wallow and wallow and wallow in my little cocoon of of doom and gloom. This is real folks. Sometimes life just royally sucks and in my mind, I'm the Queen of Sucksville. Hopefully, there will be a coup in my future.

The Haps

Here's what's going on with me: My dr had me take a week of treatment last week. It was OUTSTANDING! Aside from some headaches, I felt like a super star. My back didn't hurt, no tummy trouble, slept like a babe and ate the house down. I was still as weak as a sweet little baby kitten, but felt pretty good. Then came Monday.

The doctor called and said since my tummy issues were cleared up that it was most likely the Intron and that I should start back on injections. He said that it happens. If you're having problems, sometimes you have to stop for a week or so, then go back on. I must admit, I felt a little like a failure, but I'll get over it. I knew what to expect from the one time I skipped a dose so Eddie and I could go on a mini vacay. I manned up and did the shot and it was as horrible as I knew it would be. It was the usual symptoms times 10.

At some point in the night, E.J. came and got in bed with me (Eddie being banished to the couch and all). I woke up so so sick, so I woke her up and asked her to get Eddie for me. He came in and piled on all the blankets we had and brought me some Tylenol. Ellie said, "Mom, I know you must be so cold cause the whole bed is shaking." Me: Yeah, I'm freezing! Come snuggle my back cause you are so warm." Then that sweet little baby girl snuggled up to me and started rubbing my back O so sweetly. I drifted off a little and woke up to her holding my hand. What a doll!

Last night was bad, but not as bad as Monday. I'm ready to get back to the slightly annoyingly sick phase again. I expect Friday to be a little less worse than Wed and so on until I can semi function again.

That's all I have for now. Wear your sunscreen, stay out of tanning beds and if you're too dumb to do that, for heaven sakes, protect your kids.

Results are good

Dr called and said everything was pretty normal. Polyp on gall bladder but they aren't concerned.