This post will probably be really rambly and confusing, but I just had some thoughts and needed to get them out.
Lately, I have been feeling really disconnected. I'm not doing this whole cancer thing very well right now. I'm not the smiley, brave, "gonna kick some cancer a**" gal right now. It's too hard. I'm lonely, tired, and self loathing. I don't want to function. I want to curl up in a hole and give up. I'm tired of smiling and saying that I'm doing well. I'm tired of being a sub par wife and mother. I hate that my children want their Grandma, Aunt, Daddy, Mimi more than me. On a good day, I have a little bit to give and on a bad day it's all I can do to get up.
I'm aware that this darkness I feel is another on a long list of side effects. I know it will pass and one day I will be myself again. It doesn't really matter though because the feelings are there and they are real.
I look in the mirror and I'm shocked at myself. Scraggledy thinning hair, dark circles, bloodshot eyes, bruises, knobby knees, scars and now a stupid uno brow of zits.
I spend an extraordinary amount of time trying to figure out what I can eat that will not send my stomach into fits and even more time being wrong. Have you ever tried to parent from the toilet?! Not effective.
Truly the only thing holding me together right now are my Tues/Thurs days where my kids are gone and my AMAZING sister comes over with food and laughs every time I yell from the bathroom "It sounds like pee, but it's poop." She lets me talk incessantly about cancer. She babies me and knows that I will most likely nod off at any moment.
I'll let you know when I'm over this "mood", but for now I'm just going to wallow and wallow and wallow in my little cocoon of of doom and gloom. This is real folks. Sometimes life just royally sucks and in my mind, I'm the Queen of Sucksville. Hopefully, there will be a coup in my future.
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4 comments:
Hey girl! I am so sorry you are feeling so bad! I get some of what you are saying because of my health on some days. Mine is not near what yours is, but I still get how hard it us to feel helpless over your condition. Hang in there!
Girl. I have no words. I love you though!! It sounds like I'm probably not the only one who is excited for school to start back up!!
Oh baby girl - I know it is so tough. I so wish I could do this for you, but the truth is you ARE doing it. This stuff about looks and kids - that is all going to be okay. 3 more months and it is only a memory - granted a very bad memory. No one in this family is ever going to have to be as tough as you, so I'm making you a superman (woman) cape and soon your kryptonite will lose and Super Becca will prevail!!! (Play theme song in mind) Love you!!
Becca, on your worst day, you are much prettier than I am on my best! I'm sorry these side effects are rocking your world. Your kids probably do not prefer others to you, they're probably afraid of making you feel bad, etc. I guess the anti-nausea meds aren't working? Phenergen doesn't do jack for me, but I've had good luck with Zofran. I hear ya. I never know what food is going to be the end of me. Like Russian roulette with cousine. You can talk to me as much or little as you want about cancer. I am almost always home. I wish I had a car, because I'd hurry over and hug you right now! Love you so much and PLEASE let me know if you need anything. B can be home in a heartbeat or my mom, and I could be there before you know it. Hang in there baby.
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