Thursday, February 2, 2012

You should probably come in and have that looked at

I don't know why I thought the nurse would say anything different. It's their motto. It's why I never want to call. It's why my sister had to text bomb me today. It's why I ve waited almost a week and didn't even call until 4:30 in hopes that I would have the evening to avoid those words.

You see, at times, I can be a little head in the sand, ignorance is bliss, what ya don't know can't hurt ya. Unfortunately, after cancer, I'm no longer afforded that luxury.

I have this pain in my groin. Not my favorite word by the way. Its like angina. It just sounds wrong and makes me cringe and maybe secretly giggle a little. I ve been keeping an eye on it all week but finally admitted that I do feel a little knot.

Now it could be anything mind you. Maybe an infection, maybe a spider bite or maybe whilst I was asleep, one of my precious angles executed some kind of an MMA sleeping death blow to my crotch. But those explanations aren't what puts the pit in my stomach. Casual worries are no longer mine. Mine are bigger and more terrifying if I choose to let them be.

If I didn't have cancer, I'm quite sure this tiny bump and minuscule pain would not even be on my radar. Sigh...Every twinge, bump, cough, zit, ingrown hair, freckle or mole is now considered a potential threat. I feel like the girl in final destination (the first one and in my opinion, the best). She was always looking for signs and clues that weren't necessarily obvious in themselves but put together could be used to thwart death. My body is now a series of potential clues that I'm forced to analyze and decode to try and stay one step ahead of the Beast. It can become all consuming.

For now I've done all I can. I made the call. I made the appointment (Monday at 11). and now I've made myself crazy. I'm just glad I'm scheduled with my girl Julie. Cause we all know the groin is awfully close to the angina.


Ashley said...

I can't imagine your stress and anxiety related to all these bumps and zits and ingrown hairs. You are sonamazingly strong, Becca. I'm glad you made the call and hope to hear some un-worrisome news next week. Thinking of you!

Summer said...

Thinking about you and praying. Keep us (me) posted.