I am so wishing I could go back and have that ultrasound. No I don't. Yes I do. I'm calm. I'm going crazy!! That's pretty much been my train of thought today.
For the past 3 months I have been on the outside looking in at the dark and scary cancer world. I talked myself into believing I was on the other side. I cheerfully and knowingly gave advice to fellow molemates because I'd "been" there. I even stopped talking about it at home. Honest, ask Eddie! I was beginning to feel "normal" again. Of course I know that with melanoma, you re never considered cured. I'm more than aware of my particular statistics involving recurrence and life expectancy. But I'm quite adept at creating my own reality. Call it a coping mechanism.
Now this silly little most likely nothing lump just yanked me from my peaceful happy little lie. Back to the place where I have to fully acknowledge the absurdly strange and unreal concept that I have cancer. I've found myself once again being consumed with that word and once again I'm slapped in the face with the enormity of it. It is a complete and utter life changing occurrence.
I'm stuck in the waiting game. I'm sure anyone with health issues gets this game. There are really no rules other than you must wait. I'm trying to simplify this week. I'm clearing out all trivial anxiety. Well, I'm trying to and anyway, I just have to make it until Monday right? Right?!
2 comments:
Becca you are in my thoughts and prayers! I wish I lived closer to hold your hand through all of this craziness we call our lives but I am there in spirit. And I don't think you have been "lying" to yourself. I think you have been LIVING!! You cannot live your life stuck in melanoma world.. yeaah I know easier said then done.. I am still working on it myself!
Love you Becca. Praying for peace!!
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