Beating the Heat BK Style

What do you do when your sweet hubs has had the kids ALL weekend and it's too hot to be outside? You go to the Burger King play area.

I love my sweet, sweet husband so much, but his idea of watching the kids this morning was to feed them chips and honeybuns for breakfast and turning on hours upon hours of SpongeBob. Don't get me wrong, I am not be ungrateful. And he does LOTS of wonderful things with our kids. He makes record breaking paper airplanes, shows them cool games, takes them all over town. For instance, one Saturday, he took them to every Walgreens in the Edmond/OKC area to get free GoGo figurines. He truly is the most fun, AMAZING dad ever!! With that said:

Today, he was tired, but my treatment tired trumped that as per usual. So, who can blame a guy for taking the easy way out every once in a while? Not me. When I finally got up from my second nap, the kids had gone CRAZY! I sent Eddie into our room for a rest, loaded up the kids and had NO idea where we would end up.

There was fighting, screaming, poking, mocking, and general unruliness in abundance. That's when I remembered the BK indoor playplace. Oh, thank you Lord for allowing me to think of this place. We spent a glorious hour and a half there. My children played so nicely while I sat with my eyes half closed sipping a coke and nibbling fries.

Harry fell asleep in the car and has been out ever since. The girls followed quickly behind him. Eddie is pulling a much needed sleep through (you know, when you lay down for a nap, but end up sleeping through until morning).

So thank you BK for being there for me in my time of need. I will be back to finish my, I mean the kid's collection of paper jams toys!

Doctor Appointment and Wind Damage

I went to see my oncologist on Tues. He did the ol in and out. Things look good yadda yadda. Then, as I was checking out, he came up to me to tell me that my blood work came in and my liver counts were too high. He said to continue treatment, but I have to go back on Tues to have more blood work. He suspects that my body is just reacting to having a week off. I did have a rather terrible night on Mon. It was like high dose side effects, so maybe that was it. Oh yeah, and I got a quit date! Nov 18th will be my last injection!!! I'm counting it down!!

Last night we got a really bad thunderstorm. I woke up at around 12:30 to a thunder, lightening and a really loud crashing sound. We jumped out of bed and ran into the living room. The power was out, but when the lightening flashed, we could see that a tree had hit our house! Eddie had me gather all the kids into the hallway and he called his folks to see if there was a tornado. The news said it was a severe t-storm with high winds. If that was only high winds, I don't ever ever want to be hit with an actual tornado. It was so loud and crazy. I was so proud of my kids. They just sat in the hallway and played Leapster until the storm passed then toddled off to bed and went right back to sleep.

This morning we got up to check out the damage. We lost 4 big trees and our fence is trashed. Luckily, there was no damage to the house or cars though. Trees were down all over the neighborhood. I know it sounds weird, but I am really heartsick over those trees. They provided so much shade in our backyard.

Anyway, I know this post would be 200x better with pictures, but I am a complete computer illiterate, so maybe I'll talk E into helping me later.

It's my (pity) party and I'll cry if I want to.

This post will probably be really rambly and confusing, but I just had some thoughts and needed to get them out.

Lately, I have been feeling really disconnected. I'm not doing this whole cancer thing very well right now. I'm not the smiley, brave, "gonna kick some cancer a**" gal right now. It's too hard. I'm lonely, tired, and self loathing. I don't want to function. I want to curl up in a hole and give up. I'm tired of smiling and saying that I'm doing well. I'm tired of being a sub par wife and mother. I hate that my children want their Grandma, Aunt, Daddy, Mimi more than me. On a good day, I have a little bit to give and on a bad day it's all I can do to get up.

I'm aware that this darkness I feel is another on a long list of side effects. I know it will pass and one day I will be myself again. It doesn't really matter though because the feelings are there and they are real.

I look in the mirror and I'm shocked at myself. Scraggledy thinning hair, dark circles, bloodshot eyes, bruises, knobby knees, scars and now a stupid uno brow of zits.

I spend an extraordinary amount of time trying to figure out what I can eat that will not send my stomach into fits and even more time being wrong. Have you ever tried to parent from the toilet?! Not effective.

Truly the only thing holding me together right now are my Tues/Thurs days where my kids are gone and my AMAZING sister comes over with food and laughs every time I yell from the bathroom "It sounds like pee, but it's poop." She lets me talk incessantly about cancer. She babies me and knows that I will most likely nod off at any moment.

I'll let you know when I'm over this "mood", but for now I'm just going to wallow and wallow and wallow in my little cocoon of of doom and gloom. This is real folks. Sometimes life just royally sucks and in my mind, I'm the Queen of Sucksville. Hopefully, there will be a coup in my future.

The Haps

Here's what's going on with me: My dr had me take a week of treatment last week. It was OUTSTANDING! Aside from some headaches, I felt like a super star. My back didn't hurt, no tummy trouble, slept like a babe and ate the house down. I was still as weak as a sweet little baby kitten, but felt pretty good. Then came Monday.

The doctor called and said since my tummy issues were cleared up that it was most likely the Intron and that I should start back on injections. He said that it happens. If you're having problems, sometimes you have to stop for a week or so, then go back on. I must admit, I felt a little like a failure, but I'll get over it. I knew what to expect from the one time I skipped a dose so Eddie and I could go on a mini vacay. I manned up and did the shot and it was as horrible as I knew it would be. It was the usual symptoms times 10.

At some point in the night, E.J. came and got in bed with me (Eddie being banished to the couch and all). I woke up so so sick, so I woke her up and asked her to get Eddie for me. He came in and piled on all the blankets we had and brought me some Tylenol. Ellie said, "Mom, I know you must be so cold cause the whole bed is shaking." Me: Yeah, I'm freezing! Come snuggle my back cause you are so warm." Then that sweet little baby girl snuggled up to me and started rubbing my back O so sweetly. I drifted off a little and woke up to her holding my hand. What a doll!

Last night was bad, but not as bad as Monday. I'm ready to get back to the slightly annoyingly sick phase again. I expect Friday to be a little less worse than Wed and so on until I can semi function again.

That's all I have for now. Wear your sunscreen, stay out of tanning beds and if you're too dumb to do that, for heaven sakes, protect your kids.

Results are good

Dr called and said everything was pretty normal. Polyp on gall bladder but they aren't concerned.

Update

Had a dr apt today. My white blood count is really low so he wants me to stop treatment for possibly a week. I have mixed feelings. Part of me thinks yea a week off. The other part knows that going back on is going to be oh so awful. When you take a break, it's like starting all over with the side effects so there will be high fever, body aches, and chills galore.

*Poop talk ahead*

So, I've had severe diarrhea, stomach cramps and back pain for about 2 weeks. My glucose was really low because I just can't eat anything without a disaster happening. The dr gave me some meds to see if it will help, but he suspects something is wrong with my gall bladder and/or pancreas. I'm going in for an ultrasound tomorrow at 1045. Then, possibly have to go see a gastroentologist (?). The good news is that my dr doesn't think that it is related to cancer, so yea!

I also had a spot on my ovary light up on the PET, but again my dr said it probably wasn't cancer related. They are going to send my scans to my OBGYN just to see what she thinks.

So that's where we're at. No joke, I have to go to the bathroom STAT! :)

Day with L

The girls just got back from a 10 day vacation and I was so happy to have them back. L and I actually got to spend some one on one time together this afternoon. Everyone else was taking a nap (highly unusual). We did some bonding time: took a shower, she showed off her new found ability to do a headstand. I had the usual stomach ache issues and got to hear heartwarming/hilarious things such as "It's ok that it smells momma because you always sit with me when I poop." We laid on the floor in her room while she told me all about her trip to Wyoming. I just kept looking at her in awe. She is growing up so much and as she talked, I just tried to burn the image of her in my mind. Her sweet face, her glowing blonde hair, her perfectly white straight baby teeth. If you have kids, I think you know the feeling of wanting to just lean over and smother their sweet cheeks with kisses. Perfection.

Here's the weird thing: All day the girl just kept offering me food. Fruit snacks? Crackers? Bananas? It was getting annoying. At one point, she brought me a bowl of tortilla chips and I said, "L, we aren't having any chips right now ok?" Her face turned to worry and she said, "Mom, I won't eat any. They're just for you." I had mistakenly thought that she was offering the foods that she wanted to eat.

Then she said this: "I noticed that you didn't eat breakfast and only a few bites of lunch. What if you don't eat anything when we aren't here and you get really sick?"I suddenly realized what she was doing. I wanted to curl up in a ball and die. I wanted it all to go away. I wanted a different life for her. I fought back tears. A six year old should not worry about what their mom is eating. It's just not fair to her.

I wish I could say that I ate the chips, but I just couldn't. I did wrap in her in super hug and explained that my treatment made things taste funny. I took her to the kitchen and forced myself to eat a handful of Teddy Grahms. It seemed to appease her.

During this whole ordeal, I have tried to be appropriately honest with my kids about what is happening. My motto to L has always been that if there is something to worry about, I will tell her. We talk freely about cancer and treatment. They have seen me do injections. I just hope this is the right thing for them. I just don't know.

What I do know is that for now I am cancer free. I am fighting so hard thru each treatment and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. November her I come and I am going to eat up Thanksgiving and Christmas and wipe the worry right of my sweet 6 year old face! Take that Melanoma!!!!