My sister and I were having a conversation today that made me start thinking. We were talking about how we have the problem of focusing on ourselves and our own problems and feelings instead of thinking of others and what they might be going through. Personally, I have always struggled with the "all about me" syndrome and I acknowledge it and have been in the process of trying to overcome it for years.
Having cancer has, believe it or not, given me so many good things. I appreciate life more. I enjoy day to day "mundaneness" more. I want to do more and believe I am capable of more than ever before. Unfortunately, it has also made me much more self centered. Sometimes my thoughts of recurrence, my future and what I'm going through consume me. So much so that I tend to assume my problems and feelings are greater and more significant than other's. Or maybe I don't assume that, but I just can't see past the things I am thinking or feeling.
I ve come away from a few conversations this week thinking why didn't I ask how they were? Why did I make it all about me and how I feel? I really wish I could go back and say things differently. I wish I had been more encouraging, supportive or rejoiceful with them.
I keep thinking what if that was the last conversation I had with that person? I wish I could say things differently. This thought could hold true whether youve been diagnosed with cancer or not. We're not promised an infinite amount of days. Any one of us could be gone tomorrow.
It's a morbid thought, but a good reminder for me to take an extra minute or two to tell the people in our lives how proud we are of them, how much they mean to us, what a good friend they've been or how much they ve made you smile. Because when someone can make you smile your most magical happy smile, that means something.
I can't go back in time. I can't change the way conversations went. All I can hope is that I get another chance. A chance to tell each friend, family member or molemate that I truly do care. I care what they are going through, their struggles, their praises, and I care about them.
I'm a work in progress and I am just grateful for all the days I have to continue to keep working.