Confession: I have panic attacks. Yup, full on crazy panic attacks. If you've never had one, I'm jealous. If you have, you know it's the worst. I've had them occasionally for years, but apparently getting a stage III MM diagnosis exacerbates the condition. Go figure.
I started feeling a little nervous yesterday around 5, but tried to brush it off. At about 2 in the morning, I was in full blown melt down. I've been having a lot of pain in my ribs and lower back, so I did what any normal cancer patient does and started thinking the worst. I just wanted it to be morning so that I could call my doctor. So, I laid there thinking I was going to die and imaging how my doctor would break the news and how I would react. All the while my chest was caving in on itself.
So what do I finally decide to do? Wake up every member of my immediate family of course. I started with Eddie. He was sleeping on the couch (see A Deal's a Deal post). I toddled out fighting back tears and squeezed in next to him. I like to smell his skin. It makes me feel better. I woke him up and at this point, I'm in tears. He didn't even have to ask what's wrong. He knows. He held me and whispered that I'm going to be ok. I laid there for a while and while my head and heart wanted to stay right there, my body protested. So, I went back to bed. A few minutes later I'm not better, so I call my mom.
Why is it that I can be an adult and handle hard situations, but as soon as I hear my Mom's voice, it's like I turn into a 5 year old? She answered the phone and I could tell by her gravely voice that she had been in a deep sleep. "Mom." I managed to squeak out. She also knows. She talked to me and reassured me in a way that only Mommas can. I hung up the phone. Now, I needed a dose of my sisters.
I called Katie. She has an amazing gift of answering the phone like she's expecting you to tell her she's won the lottery even in the middle of the night. Hello!!!! She also knows, so she starts in on talking about anything but cancer. I got an incredible story of Ryan falling thru the ceiling. I was laughing so hard. It was a perfect cure, but I needed a little more love to feel better.
I called Nan. She does NOT have that gift that Katie has:) Sorry Katie, but we got to giggling so hard thinking about Ryan's legs dangling from the ceiling. I finally let her get back to bed and I was able to drift off to sleep.
Now, Xanex works great for anxiety, but nothing beats knowing you have a family that will take your calls at all hours of the night. My PET scan is scheduled for Friday, so keep your phones by your beds ladies:)
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3 comments:
Oh, Becca...This post made my heart hurt for you. I hate knowing how scared all of this makes you (us!) Then I realized you have the BEST support system that will help you through the craziness. It is OK to be scared sometimes, if not, I would start worrying about your eventual emotional breakdown. I will be thinking of you, praying for you, and sending tons of good juju your way. It is your turn for good news.
It sounds like everyone needs a Katie!! There were times family members called me all worried concerned and depressing! I was in denial land and fully intended on staying there as long as I could. I didn't want to talk to them!!! How precious your family is! Now that work has slowed down I need to take your kiddos to the zoo or something. I contact ya :)
I hope you have your comments sent to your email or you're never going to see this. Sorry I'm so late in starting to read you blog. When I read the part about going into the living room to snuggle up next to E, it brought a tear to my eye. I'm so happy that you have him during this time, and I just wanted you to know that you have been an inspiration to me to take better care of my skin and that of my family. (I ha e actually been nagging Mitch for 2 seasons now about wearing sunscreen when working on the lawn.) we all 3 wear SPF 50 now any time we're going to be in the sun for more than a few minutes.
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