Better Than a Xanex

Confession: I have panic attacks. Yup, full on crazy panic attacks. If you've never had one, I'm jealous. If you have, you know it's the worst. I've had them occasionally for years, but apparently getting a stage III MM diagnosis exacerbates the condition. Go figure.

I started feeling a little nervous yesterday around 5, but tried to brush it off. At about 2 in the morning, I was in full blown melt down. I've been having a lot of pain in my ribs and lower back, so I did what any normal cancer patient does and started thinking the worst. I just wanted it to be morning so that I could call my doctor. So, I laid there thinking I was going to die and imaging how my doctor would break the news and how I would react. All the while my chest was caving in on itself.

So what do I finally decide to do? Wake up every member of my immediate family of course. I started with Eddie. He was sleeping on the couch (see A Deal's a Deal post). I toddled out fighting back tears and squeezed in next to him. I like to smell his skin. It makes me feel better. I woke him up and at this point, I'm in tears. He didn't even have to ask what's wrong. He knows. He held me and whispered that I'm going to be ok. I laid there for a while and while my head and heart wanted to stay right there, my body protested. So, I went back to bed. A few minutes later I'm not better, so I call my mom.

Why is it that I can be an adult and handle hard situations, but as soon as I hear my Mom's voice, it's like I turn into a 5 year old? She answered the phone and I could tell by her gravely voice that she had been in a deep sleep. "Mom." I managed to squeak out. She also knows. She talked to me and reassured me in a way that only Mommas can. I hung up the phone. Now, I needed a dose of my sisters.

I called Katie. She has an amazing gift of answering the phone like she's expecting you to tell her she's won the lottery even in the middle of the night. Hello!!!! She also knows, so she starts in on talking about anything but cancer. I got an incredible story of Ryan falling thru the ceiling. I was laughing so hard. It was a perfect cure, but I needed a little more love to feel better.

I called Nan. She does NOT have that gift that Katie has:) Sorry Katie, but we got to giggling so hard thinking about Ryan's legs dangling from the ceiling. I finally let her get back to bed and I was able to drift off to sleep.

Now, Xanex works great for anxiety, but nothing beats knowing you have a family that will take your calls at all hours of the night. My PET scan is scheduled for Friday, so keep your phones by your beds ladies:)