Day with L

The girls just got back from a 10 day vacation and I was so happy to have them back. L and I actually got to spend some one on one time together this afternoon. Everyone else was taking a nap (highly unusual). We did some bonding time: took a shower, she showed off her new found ability to do a headstand. I had the usual stomach ache issues and got to hear heartwarming/hilarious things such as "It's ok that it smells momma because you always sit with me when I poop." We laid on the floor in her room while she told me all about her trip to Wyoming. I just kept looking at her in awe. She is growing up so much and as she talked, I just tried to burn the image of her in my mind. Her sweet face, her glowing blonde hair, her perfectly white straight baby teeth. If you have kids, I think you know the feeling of wanting to just lean over and smother their sweet cheeks with kisses. Perfection.

Here's the weird thing: All day the girl just kept offering me food. Fruit snacks? Crackers? Bananas? It was getting annoying. At one point, she brought me a bowl of tortilla chips and I said, "L, we aren't having any chips right now ok?" Her face turned to worry and she said, "Mom, I won't eat any. They're just for you." I had mistakenly thought that she was offering the foods that she wanted to eat.

Then she said this: "I noticed that you didn't eat breakfast and only a few bites of lunch. What if you don't eat anything when we aren't here and you get really sick?"I suddenly realized what she was doing. I wanted to curl up in a ball and die. I wanted it all to go away. I wanted a different life for her. I fought back tears. A six year old should not worry about what their mom is eating. It's just not fair to her.

I wish I could say that I ate the chips, but I just couldn't. I did wrap in her in super hug and explained that my treatment made things taste funny. I took her to the kitchen and forced myself to eat a handful of Teddy Grahms. It seemed to appease her.

During this whole ordeal, I have tried to be appropriately honest with my kids about what is happening. My motto to L has always been that if there is something to worry about, I will tell her. We talk freely about cancer and treatment. They have seen me do injections. I just hope this is the right thing for them. I just don't know.

What I do know is that for now I am cancer free. I am fighting so hard thru each treatment and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. November her I come and I am going to eat up Thanksgiving and Christmas and wipe the worry right of my sweet 6 year old face! Take that Melanoma!!!!