Beating the Heat BK Style

What do you do when your sweet hubs has had the kids ALL weekend and it's too hot to be outside? You go to the Burger King play area.

I love my sweet, sweet husband so much, but his idea of watching the kids this morning was to feed them chips and honeybuns for breakfast and turning on hours upon hours of SpongeBob. Don't get me wrong, I am not be ungrateful. And he does LOTS of wonderful things with our kids. He makes record breaking paper airplanes, shows them cool games, takes them all over town. For instance, one Saturday, he took them to every Walgreens in the Edmond/OKC area to get free GoGo figurines. He truly is the most fun, AMAZING dad ever!! With that said:

Today, he was tired, but my treatment tired trumped that as per usual. So, who can blame a guy for taking the easy way out every once in a while? Not me. When I finally got up from my second nap, the kids had gone CRAZY! I sent Eddie into our room for a rest, loaded up the kids and had NO idea where we would end up.

There was fighting, screaming, poking, mocking, and general unruliness in abundance. That's when I remembered the BK indoor playplace. Oh, thank you Lord for allowing me to think of this place. We spent a glorious hour and a half there. My children played so nicely while I sat with my eyes half closed sipping a coke and nibbling fries.

Harry fell asleep in the car and has been out ever since. The girls followed quickly behind him. Eddie is pulling a much needed sleep through (you know, when you lay down for a nap, but end up sleeping through until morning).

So thank you BK for being there for me in my time of need. I will be back to finish my, I mean the kid's collection of paper jams toys!

Doctor Appointment and Wind Damage

I went to see my oncologist on Tues. He did the ol in and out. Things look good yadda yadda. Then, as I was checking out, he came up to me to tell me that my blood work came in and my liver counts were too high. He said to continue treatment, but I have to go back on Tues to have more blood work. He suspects that my body is just reacting to having a week off. I did have a rather terrible night on Mon. It was like high dose side effects, so maybe that was it. Oh yeah, and I got a quit date! Nov 18th will be my last injection!!! I'm counting it down!!

Last night we got a really bad thunderstorm. I woke up at around 12:30 to a thunder, lightening and a really loud crashing sound. We jumped out of bed and ran into the living room. The power was out, but when the lightening flashed, we could see that a tree had hit our house! Eddie had me gather all the kids into the hallway and he called his folks to see if there was a tornado. The news said it was a severe t-storm with high winds. If that was only high winds, I don't ever ever want to be hit with an actual tornado. It was so loud and crazy. I was so proud of my kids. They just sat in the hallway and played Leapster until the storm passed then toddled off to bed and went right back to sleep.

This morning we got up to check out the damage. We lost 4 big trees and our fence is trashed. Luckily, there was no damage to the house or cars though. Trees were down all over the neighborhood. I know it sounds weird, but I am really heartsick over those trees. They provided so much shade in our backyard.

Anyway, I know this post would be 200x better with pictures, but I am a complete computer illiterate, so maybe I'll talk E into helping me later.

It's my (pity) party and I'll cry if I want to.

This post will probably be really rambly and confusing, but I just had some thoughts and needed to get them out.

Lately, I have been feeling really disconnected. I'm not doing this whole cancer thing very well right now. I'm not the smiley, brave, "gonna kick some cancer a**" gal right now. It's too hard. I'm lonely, tired, and self loathing. I don't want to function. I want to curl up in a hole and give up. I'm tired of smiling and saying that I'm doing well. I'm tired of being a sub par wife and mother. I hate that my children want their Grandma, Aunt, Daddy, Mimi more than me. On a good day, I have a little bit to give and on a bad day it's all I can do to get up.

I'm aware that this darkness I feel is another on a long list of side effects. I know it will pass and one day I will be myself again. It doesn't really matter though because the feelings are there and they are real.

I look in the mirror and I'm shocked at myself. Scraggledy thinning hair, dark circles, bloodshot eyes, bruises, knobby knees, scars and now a stupid uno brow of zits.

I spend an extraordinary amount of time trying to figure out what I can eat that will not send my stomach into fits and even more time being wrong. Have you ever tried to parent from the toilet?! Not effective.

Truly the only thing holding me together right now are my Tues/Thurs days where my kids are gone and my AMAZING sister comes over with food and laughs every time I yell from the bathroom "It sounds like pee, but it's poop." She lets me talk incessantly about cancer. She babies me and knows that I will most likely nod off at any moment.

I'll let you know when I'm over this "mood", but for now I'm just going to wallow and wallow and wallow in my little cocoon of of doom and gloom. This is real folks. Sometimes life just royally sucks and in my mind, I'm the Queen of Sucksville. Hopefully, there will be a coup in my future.