So the doctor wants you in a gown.

Ahhhh! I was not counting on hearing that today. When I went in to have little lumpy checked last week, I just pulled my pants down a little. So when the nurse handed me a full gown, I suddenly started thinking of all the shortcuts I had taken earlier that morning. I had only shaved the top part of my legs. I couldn't find a pair of my own socks, so I had borrowed a pair of Ed's. I had not taken the time to make sure that everything I was wearing was matching. Then as I'm undressing, eddie says, "Hey, what's that on your bra?" I look down and there is some kind of brown something that I am telling myself is chocolate. I can hear my mother gasping right about now. Oh and did I mention that on Friday night I fell down an entire flight of stairs so my body looks like a human punching bag?

But as soon as the doctor came in, I kind of forgot about all that. I think sometimes in those kind of stressful waiting doctor situations I focus on all the trivial things I can or could control. But really I just want to know. What's going on? What is it? What do we do about it? Now I know. The dr did not seem concerned and I'm going back in 2 weeks for the old two month check so for now I'm just keeping an eye on it.

Yay! I dodged a bullet...again. I realize this is my life. There will always be scans and worry. I can't control what happens next with my cancer, but that doesn't mean that cancer controls me. Like my sweet friend Julie A pointed out, I'm not lying to myself. I'm living. And that's exactly what I want to be doing right now.

Lies

I am so wishing I could go back and have that ultrasound. No I don't. Yes I do. I'm calm. I'm going crazy!! That's pretty much been my train of thought today.

For the past 3 months I have been on the outside looking in at the dark and scary cancer world. I talked myself into believing I was on the other side. I cheerfully and knowingly gave advice to fellow molemates because I'd "been" there. I even stopped talking about it at home. Honest, ask Eddie! I was beginning to feel "normal" again. Of course I know that with melanoma, you re never considered cured. I'm more than aware of my particular statistics involving recurrence and life expectancy. But I'm quite adept at creating my own reality. Call it a coping mechanism.

Now this silly little most likely nothing lump just yanked me from my peaceful happy little lie. Back to the place where I have to fully acknowledge the absurdly strange and unreal concept that I have cancer. I've found myself once again being consumed with that word and once again I'm slapped in the face with the enormity of it. It is a complete and utter life changing occurrence.

I'm stuck in the waiting game. I'm sure anyone with health issues gets this game. There are really no rules other than you must wait. I'm trying to simplify this week. I'm clearing out all trivial anxiety. Well, I'm trying to and anyway, I just have to make it until Monday right? Right?!

Baby steps

One doctor appointment down, hopefully only one more to go...next week. Well the beautiful and hilarious Juli gave me a quite thorough exam and thinks that my new little groin friend, Lumpelstilskin, is possibly a cyst.

Not to digress, but as far as doctor appointments go, that one was awesome. I was laughing so hard! Who knew lumps, hormones, groins and cancer scares could be so hilarious?! But seriously, would it be too forward if I asked her to be my new BFF? Or maybe I should start with something less committal, like lunch.

I'm going back next week to let Dr. G have a grope and see what he thinks. At that time, we ll decide if I need an ultrasound, a scan or hopefully it will have disappeared by then.

I feel like I've made some progress, at least emotionally, on this jacked up melanoma journey. I was offered the choice between an ultrasound today or to wait a week and see what happens. The me a year ago would have been running to radiology while pulling my pants down, grabbing for the ultrasound goo. But today, I was content to take Juli's advice and wait it out. Unfortunately, Eddie is not quite there with me, but he gets me and let's me take this trip how I need.

Am I still worried? Heck yes! Is this going to keep me up at night? Probably. But right now I feel like I can handle the upcoming week. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, one pant leg at a time. Baby steps.

On another note, I heard from the YMCA today and I get to start the Livestrong program on Monday and not a moment too soon. I'm pert near atrophied. Now, I am going to be so toned and faaabuuulous!! It's a really cool program and I sincerely hope you never meet the requirements:)

Wish me luck and prayers this week!!

You should probably come in and have that looked at

I don't know why I thought the nurse would say anything different. It's their motto. It's why I never want to call. It's why my sister had to text bomb me today. It's why I ve waited almost a week and didn't even call until 4:30 in hopes that I would have the evening to avoid those words.

You see, at times, I can be a little head in the sand, ignorance is bliss, what ya don't know can't hurt ya. Unfortunately, after cancer, I'm no longer afforded that luxury.

I have this pain in my groin. Not my favorite word by the way. Its like angina. It just sounds wrong and makes me cringe and maybe secretly giggle a little. I ve been keeping an eye on it all week but finally admitted that I do feel a little knot.

Now it could be anything mind you. Maybe an infection, maybe a spider bite or maybe whilst I was asleep, one of my precious angles executed some kind of an MMA sleeping death blow to my crotch. But those explanations aren't what puts the pit in my stomach. Casual worries are no longer mine. Mine are bigger and more terrifying if I choose to let them be.

If I didn't have cancer, I'm quite sure this tiny bump and minuscule pain would not even be on my radar. Sigh...Every twinge, bump, cough, zit, ingrown hair, freckle or mole is now considered a potential threat. I feel like the girl in final destination (the first one and in my opinion, the best). She was always looking for signs and clues that weren't necessarily obvious in themselves but put together could be used to thwart death. My body is now a series of potential clues that I'm forced to analyze and decode to try and stay one step ahead of the Beast. It can become all consuming.

For now I've done all I can. I made the call. I made the appointment (Monday at 11). and now I've made myself crazy. I'm just glad I'm scheduled with my girl Julie. Cause we all know the groin is awfully close to the angina.

To My Molemates

Well, all my scans came back squeaky clean! I'm officially one whole year and 5 days NED(no evidence of disease--since you're never really and truly cured) and I could not be happier. Getting through this year has been difficult and I have had so much help from friends, family, church and lovely strangers, but this one, this one post I want to dedicate to my very special molemates.

I'll start with my melanoma mentor Tina Parker. She is such an AMAZING woman. She's a stage III. She is a single mom who did one month of high dose Interferon WHILE WORKING!!! I can't even imagine. She is constantly raising awareness and has even gone and talked to high school kids about the dangers of tanning. She is the kindest, friendliest, most generous, honest, tell it like it is warrior ever! She did her treatment a few months before I did and held my hand through mine every step of the way. When we first "met" on fb, she immediately messaged me her cell number and insisted I call her any time day or night. And boy did I. I would call or text and cry, complain and moan and she encouraged me at every turn. Just the sound of her sweet little Missouri accent would calm me down:) She gave me my mantra "it's working! It's working!" when I would be in tears over side effects. She has prayed for me and with me all year long. Even though we have never and may never meet in person, I consider her a lifelong friend who will be there for me always. I am incredibly grateful for her strength and faith. And there's always Vegas baby:)

Next is the beautiful little spitfire Chelsea Price. Chelsea is a 24 year old warrior who is also stage III. She is currently doing her second round of an IPI trial. In her trial she doesn't know if she's actually receiving the drug or not. That's right. She is selflessly helping researchers learn more about this drug in order to help future melanoma patients. Chelsea came into my life a short while into my own treatment. I was instantly drawn to her (I imagine most people are). I remember thinking to myself that I wanted to do for her what Tina had done for me. I was going to be her mentor and walk her through this whole new life with melanoma thing. But low and behold, this gal wasn't going to walk through, she was going to run full tilt with fists held high. She has become the new poster child for melanoma. She's raising money and awareness at every turn. She has inspired me, comforted me and I am in awe of her. You should check her out at www.myadventureswithmelanoma.blogspot.com.

And last, but not least is the wonderful and beautiful Erin Youngerberg. Erin befriended me on the AIM at melanoma fb page. She was stage III when I first "met" her. We were supposed to start Interferon treatment at the same time, but due to job changes, her hectic schedule and some reservations, she kept postponing. Then she had a scan that showed Melanoma on her lungs. We were devastated. Not our Erin. I remember I called Tina in tears. It all hit too close too home. But don't you worry about Erin. She healed herself:) Yup, at her last scan there was NO trace of the tumors!!! She's our little miracle molemate:) She is a jet setting, New Yorker and seriously fabulous photographer. She is always there with a kind, encouraging word for everyone. I am so extremely jealous that her and Chelsea do treatment at the same hospital and meet up every now and again and brag about it on fb:)

I consider these ladies to be my molemates. They are the gals who understand exactly what it feels like to face the c word. They get it when you're down, when you're up, when you're sick, when you're well and when you've completely lost your mind in all this madness. I am forever indebted to you ladies. Thank you for getting me through this year and thank you to all my other melanoma warriors. One year NED down and God willing, many many many more for all of us!!

One year ago...

One year ago today I was a nervous wreck. I knew that my cancer had spread to at least one lymph node. I knew they were going to cut open my pit. I knew I would have a jp drain (completely disgusting by the by). I knew I was staring down the barrel of a year long cancer treatment that my doctor described as "horrible, just horrible." I had researched and researched and researched until my eyeballs burned and then I researched some more. I was a complete mess.

But, here I am. I made it thru all those things that seemed so scary and impossible to fathom. I found amazing new friends, my kids are not irreversibly damaged, my marriage (though put thru the wringer) is still intact and stronger than ever and I feel great for the first time in a year.

Now I'm here facing scan week. If my scans are clear, it's gonna be a party. One whole year NED (no evidence of disease)! If not, well, I try so hard not to let my mind go there, but I know, just like my other molemates know, exactly what that means. More treatment, more surgery, more sucksville, and horror of horrors, maybe just no more...

Please pray for a clear scan week. I have two other dear friends having scans this week too, so we're praying for a hat trick:)

Coming out of the chemo coma

Ok, so this blog hasn't really gone as well as I'd hoped. I have really wanted to blog, but was having some issues with SEVERE dry eye on the treatment. I'm going to try and play catch up.

I went to see Dr. G on October 3rd for my monthly visit and blood work. He surprised me by telling me that I could not continue treatment anymore due to high liver enzymes. A normal person's runs around 30-70. All during treatment (even high dose) mine was around 80-90--elevated but not alarming. A few months ago it start going up--around 140. The last visit it had jumped to over 600. What does it all mean you might ask. It could be several things. My doctor thinks it is probably the treatment (which is why he stopped it). However...it could be that the cancer has spread to my liver or a number of other things. I go in for a PET scan and more blood work on Nov. 3. I will get the results the next morning (love my doc and fast results).

I've been off of the treatment for 3 weeks. The other two times I had to take a break, I got serious headaches and this time was no different. I had the stomach flu twice during that time. But now, I feel REALLY good!!!! I didn't realize how bad I felt until I felt better. It turns out that I don't actually hate my family:) No headaches, no dry eyes, no body aches, no freezy chills, and I'm getting my taste buds back too!! The first day that food actually tasted good I waaaay over did it and my stomach and esophagus were not happy campers, but it was totally worth that sleeve of oreos:) I still have a bit of brain fog, which is really frustrating for poor Eddie. He really hates the phrase, "what's that word?" :)

Now that the Intron blinders are off, I'm seeing what a disaster my house is, so I've been playing some major catch up. Thank you sweet sister Katie for forcing me to face my laundry dilemma. I was in total denial. Sigh...

Emotionally, I'm just trying to enjoy feeling better and not think about my upcoming scans and labs.

That's all for now. Wear your sunscreen and stay out of those nasty tanning beds:)